The Last Temptation - maybe

Last Saturday in the middle of my search at CED I got a call from an unknown person asking for me. As i walked away from thick dusty folders of brittle yellowed pages, I immediately ruled out the possibility of it being a sales person or a prank call, because the voice didn’t seem to fit into any of those. The voice declared, It was someone from my previous company and stopped at that. He insisted on creating an atmosphere of mystery but i knew it was a person of authority. Well it was sort of the new big boss of the team I used to work in back there.

The reason for the call he said was in a nutshell: I am being called back. It went for half an hour or so. Starting with the pats on the back and flattering things he had heard about good work I had done while I was there, several ppl in the US team had highly recommended me including my boss back there (these of course got my attention and time away from work, and kept me hooked to the call). And that the Co wasn’t the same anymore. Not with him there. Things were different now that he was there and they will just keep getting better. And they will keep getting better. And they will keep getting better. And they will …keep…getting ..better…. I didn’t get a cue where to end the call and so knew I had to wait for him (years of servitude brought me to my submissive self in few minutes to a person i have never worked with), and it came half an hour later. I was flattered but confused, disoriented.

That was that.I had not in the least expected this, i was taken unawares but i didn't say no because for the past few weeks or a month or so i had started contemplating part time software job or something like it to compound my earnings. Now that I had spent six months away from my previous job the only thing that I didn’t like was the way my bank account was getting more and more sickly instead of blossoming and fattening up like it was doing earlier. And that dissatisfaction was the thing which got me to participate in the call. It was a strangely unsavoury feeling i had after the call. I heard myself in flashback again, the affected gratitude and expressing the desire to be willing to consider the offer. Remarking on whatever changes that were mentioned had taken place as very exciting. Affirming "it sounds exciting". I had spoken the voice of reason. The voice which would make my actions approving of all the near and maybe-not-dear ones.

Thus followed 3 days, I didn’t think much about it except how to say no, and when to say no and say it so this generous offer stays open so that the day I come back crawling the doors are open.

Sad.

The day i was to return the call, i was on my way back home with Mummy from Tirupati and the bus kept braking down and delaying our arrival to Bangalore. Sitting in the front seat of Volvo i watched the rocky hillocks, the green villages pass me by. I felt good, away from city always puts you at ease. Maybe because this is always the shorter stay. As day ended our bus stopped again for close to an hour and it was nearing eight now. I began to wonder maybe i should just sneak away from mom and make a quick call and end it. But secretly i didnt want it to be quick, i wanted to talk out my uncertainities and nobleness or god knows what that i did not make that quick call.

And it was when we were back in Bangalore waiting for a car to pick us up that i got the dreaded call. For i was suddenly unprepared. I apologised for not having called, and thought i would call later. But the call continued there on the pavement for half an hour. I hate myself for letting it drag on. I let myself be talked into what i do and him mentioning that these kind of jobs barely get you any money. He said and made it sound like an admission that he did his job to pay his bills. I know people in US admit it all the time, but we Indians would gape at such a "confession". But his confession made me think maybe this is what i could do too.

The call had to be halted abruptly as the car arrived and i could not continue talking this in the presence of my mom and other strangers.

The ride home was a cascade of thoughts clamouring around in my head, because now i really gave a thought to being back there. Six months back there could double my bank balance. My new boss is promising me 40 hours week. I could work hard the rest of the hours and do "something". But what i am doing now isnt work which is done out of the comforts of your home. I had to go places and commit my days to people. I could not finish that work in the off hours i get, rather i wish i could give my off hours to make money. Not the other way around. I realised the fool that i was being from all sensibilities by saying no now. Now when i was required, when i could have negotiated and got things at my own terms. I said no and a dear friend hoped i had not said "no out of resentment". I feared i might have said no out of the strongest reasons of sticking to my decision 6 months back and staying true to the conviction which i had then though reality would have told me otherwise. And that was the reason when i was leaving i had made it clear i am not taking a break, but choosing a different path. So that the day i get all weak and want an out, I would know what a fool i would look to my previous me.

I got home it was barely a minute long call, i said no. I was wished luck. And that was it. The war was over for now.